Mr. President, Mr. Secretary-General of the United Nations, Your Excellencies, Heads of State and Government, Distinguished Delegates, ladies and gentlemen.

I bring you greetings from the good people of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and our dear president, Alhaji Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the Jagaban of Africa.

You may be wondering why I have represented my president here for three consecutive years.

I will tell you why.

But you must pay attention to this very important speech. Stay quiet while I read it. Do not use the opportunity to check your TikTok, post on Instagram, or sneak out to the bathroom.

It is bad enough that the leaders of the world’s big and powerful countries are not in this hall at this moment. They have sneaked out because they do not want to hear what I have to say about the Giant of Africa.

I am sure they wouldn’t behave this way if my principal, the Jagaban himself, were standing here speaking for Nigeria.

For those of you who have approached me since I arrived to ask whether everything is alright with my president, let me assure you that all is well.

In the last year alone, President Tinubu has travelled to France multiple times. You must have seen him hanging out with King Charles in the United Kingdom, the Pope in the Vatican and kings across the Gulf States. He has travelled as far as Saint Lucia, Japan and Brazil in the last 18 months.

So, distance is not the problem.

Unfortunately, some of you leaders have not been nice to me.

You do not sign me up for bilateral meetings on the sidelines of this UN General Assembly because I am not the head of state. You leave me hanging around with third-tier world leaders.

I have never even managed to get an ordinary handshake with President Donald Trump.

Let me tell you something.

You are making a big mistake.

In three more years, I will take over Nigeria. The most populous Black nation on earth will become my personal fiefdom.

And you know what that means.

I won’t forget how you are treating me today. I have been taking notes since the first time I came here three years ago.

In fact, after we win re-election in 2027, my principal, President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, will become a lame duck.

From that moment, I will begin to show you people the stuff I am made of.

As I said earlier, if you pay attention to my speech all the way to the end, I will explain why President Tinubu did not attend this important event and may not return here until President Trump leaves office.

Anyway, enough about me.

Nigeria is doing very well in all aspects of life and across all human development indices.

We have increased our external reserves to $54 billion. That is more than half of the combined annual budgets of all other ECOWAS member states.

I know that Norway’s sovereign wealth fund is worth over $2.1 trillion, with a population of just 5.7 million, while Nigeria has a population of over 200 million.

Trust me, we are getting there.

Considering where we started, we have jumped over Mount Olympus.

In terms of security, we have cracked the bandits’ secret codes and, with that, we are beginning to crush their fighting spirit.

Working with our American, Turkish and European partners, we have strengthened our counterintelligence capabilities and multiplied the speed at which we respond to threats from invading foreign Fulani militias.

After the 2027 elections, we will close all our northern borders, just as President Trump did with the United States’ southern border, and launch a final assault on the remaining terrorists.

Let this be our formal notice to the world.

When it starts, when we begin arresting and deporting those malicious terrorists from West and North Africa, let nobody come begging us for mercy or reporting us to the United Nations Security Council.

We have warned you.

The people of Nigeria condemn in the strongest terms the Israeli and U.S. attack on Iran.

We believe that no country has the right to enter another country to abduct its leader or kill him, no matter how terrible that leader may be or what side hustle he is or was involved in, be it drugs, weapons trafficking, or human trafficking.

Decency and the UN Charter require that such complaints first be brought before this august body and that the accused leader be granted a visa to attend and answer questions himself.

There is something else I want the world to learn from us.

Nigeria represents the very best of the United Nations’ ideals.

What do I mean by that?

We have handed over our internal revenue data and information to the French.

We have handed over our defence infrastructure to the Americans, with troops and equipment coming from here to help us.

Our mining industry is in Chinese hands.

Rare earth minerals, lithium and gold are being extracted from several parts of Nigeria as I speak.

We export our young and vibrant people all over the world to power your economies with their creativity and raw strength. From doctors and nurses to home care workers, they keep the West humming along, even as its population dwindles and, if I may say so, becomes increasingly indolent.

We are open for business.

And I want the world to know that.

We are turning Nigeria into one enormous mining site.

In return, I ask this world body: What have you done for us lately?

I understand that there will soon be an opening for the position of Secretary-General of the United Nations.

Isn’t it time for a Nigerian to occupy that prestigious office?

I am putting forward the names of two of our finest diplomats for the position.

One is Reno Omokri.

The other is Femi Fani-Kayode.

You can choose either of them, and I promise you that whoever you choose will deliver excellent service to the United Nations.

We recently sent these two gentlemen to Mexico and Germany, but both countries have been pussyfooting around, delaying their appointments and asking pointless questions about character and fitness.

Imagine!

Character and fitness, my foot!

The United Nations snatching either of these fine gentlemen would be a terrible loss for Mexico and Germany.

Their loss would be your gain.

I will conclude by saying that Nigeria remains a model democracy for the rest of the Global South.

Our elections have evolved from being do-or-die affairs into something the best political party now grabs, snatches, and runs away with.

A clear winner is typically announced before the world goes to sleep, even though, for our citizens, it is already 3:00 a.m. local time.

Unlike the people of Sudan and other African countries, who take their political misunderstandings to the streets, we settle ours in court.

Our judges have received beautiful mansions from us, and they deliver beautiful judgments that have kept our democracy a model for the world.

You see, in Nigeria, we do not merely build institutions.

We build mansions for the people who run them.

As you know, our lawmakers are the best-paid in the whole wide world.

We are proud of that.

In media freedom, we are the best in all of Africa.

CNN, MS NOW, Politico, and Al Jazeera are free to have their offices inside our own White House, Aso Rock.

What better proof of a free press do you need?

Let me conclude by saying once again that Nigeria is open for business.

After the 2027 election, once we are re-elected and fully implement our tax reforms, we will be awash with so much money that our country will begin launching spacecraft, buying U.S. debt, building data centres, and becoming the headquarters of a new artificial intelligence with a human heart.

Forget the Asian Tigers! Those who want to hitch their wagons to the emerging lions of the next twenty years must not miss the juggernaut we are building in Nigeria today.

Before I leave this podium, I know that some of you are still waiting for the answer to the question I promised to address at the beginning of my speech.

Why did President Bola Ahmed Tinubu not come to New York?

Why has he sent me here for three consecutive years?

Why does he travel to France, the United Kingdom, Brazil, Japan, Saint Lucia and the Gulf States but refuse to come to the United Nations General Assembly?

My distinguished colleagues, the answer is simple.

The president loves New York.

Jagaban loves America.

As someone who received his fine education in the Windy City, he loves Chicago even more.

But he does not love the questions that some people in New York keep asking about Chicago.

And until you people learn to mind your business, I will continue to represent him here.

Thank you for listening.

May God bless the United Nations.

May God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

And may God bless the good people of Chicago.

• Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo teaches Post-Colonial African History, African Diaspora Literature, and African Folktales at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. He is the author of “This American Life Sef.” His latest book is “A Kiss That Never Was.”